Washington [US], May 15 : Actor Emilia Clarke has opened up about the lasting emotional impact of surviving two brain hemorrhages during her years on the globally popular television series 'Game of Thrones,' saying she became convinced she was "meant to die" after her second medical emergency.
As per People magazine, in a recent interview, Clarke reflected on the trauma she experienced while starring as Daenerys Targaryen in the HBO fantasy drama from 2011 to 2019.
"I was just convinced that I had cheated death and I was meant to die," Clarke said, adding, "Every day, that's all I could think about."
The actor recalled suffering her first brain hemorrhage shortly after completing the first season of the series.
She said she had been overwhelmed by the sudden changes in her personal and professional life when she collapsed during a workout session at a London gym.
"The closest thing to describe it is imagine an elastic band just snapping around your brain," she said, adding, "This insane pressure," as quoted by People magazine.
Clarke said she crawled to the bathroom and vomited from the pain before realising the seriousness of the situation.
"In that moment, I knew I was being brain-damaged," she said.
The actor also revealed that while waiting for medical help, she repeatedly reminded herself she was "an actor" because she feared losing the career opportunity she had worked towards.
According to Clarke, doctors initially struggled to identify the issue and suspected drugs may have been involved because of her age. She was later transferred to a specialist hospital after a nurse recommended a brain scan.
Clarke said much of her focus during recovery was on convincing HBO executives and the show's creators that she would be able to continue filming.
"I was so ashamed that this thing had happened and that the people who had employed me might see me as weak or see me as something that could be broken," she said.
The actor added that she informed Game of Thrones showrunners David Benioff and DB Weiss about the hemorrhage but otherwise kept the ordeal private.
"I just didn't want anyone to know," she said.
Clarke later suffered a second aneurysm while living in New York and performing in a Broadway production.
Doctors had been monitoring the aneurysm after identifying it during treatment for the first hemorrhage.
She said a surgery to repair it went wrong, leading to emergency brain surgery.
"My parents were waiting for me, and the doctors would come down every half an hour and say, 'We think she's going to die,' " Clarke recalled, as quoted by People magazine.
The actor said the second hemorrhage affected her emotionally more deeply than the first.
"The biggest thing that happened to me with the second brain hemorrhage was I shut down emotionally," she explained.
Clarke described becoming hypersensitive and disconnected from the world around her as she struggled to process what had happened.
"When you have a brain injury, you move around in the world differently," Clarke said, adding, "You become very sensitive."
She also admitted that headaches triggered intense fear afterward, with concerns that another hemorrhage might occur.
While promoting Game of Thrones at San Diego Comic-Con shortly after surgery, Clarke remembered thinking, "If I'm going to die, I'll do it on live TV."
Despite the trauma, Clarke said continuing to work played a major role in helping her cope emotionally.
"Without my work, I don't know what I would have done," she said.
The actor also reflected on how harshly she treated herself during recovery.
"I did not take care of myself. I did not give myself any grace," she said, adding, "Everything was like, 'You failed you.' "
Over the years, Clarke has become increasingly vocal about supporting survivors of brain injuries and feelings of isolation. In 2019, she co-founded the recovery charity SameYou with her mother Jennifer.
"One of the biggest things I felt with a brain injury was profoundly alone," Clarke said in an earlier interview, adding, "That is what we're trying to overcome," as quoted by People magazine.
Reflecting on her journey and the cultural impact of Game of Thrones, Clarke said her perspective continues to evolve with time.
"It was lightning in a bottle," she said, adding, "That was my youth."